Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this grieving fatty-fucker?

DEAR MIKE CARES: I was married to a wonderful woman for 27 happy years until she passed last year. We did everything together. Now I feel lonely and depressed. We had a sweet furry guy named Maxx who was our whole world. I lost Maxx a few months ago, and I am devastated. I'm a very hardworking man. After losing my family, I feel lifeless -- like the life has been sucked out of my body. My co-workers tell me I need to start dating and move on. It's not that easy. Is this normal? I have been attending grief therapy, but it doesn't seem to be working. I tried joining a dating site but it's a disaster out there. Most of the women are gold diggers or interested only in hookups. I like only curvy ladies. I don't think I'm ever going to find someone intelligent or reasonable. What do you suggest? -- OUT OF SORTS IN OREGON

DEAR OUT OF SORTS IN OREGON: Thinking your entire life as you know it will last forever, is unrealistic and stupid.  As to losing your fat wife and your gay-ass dog, shit happens, get a grip and stop being such a sissy. Rather than try and replace your “family,” if you started acting more like a man, eventually a new “family” will reappear in the form of drunken bar whores, and lost weekends, and believe me they will all seem intelligent and reasonable.  Soon your grief will be replaced with rehab and Thursday night “church outings” which will include lots of coffee, cigarettes and nightmare stories that will make your girly-man complaints pale in comparison. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) Email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com