Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this sad-sack-sibling?

DEAR MIKE CARES: What can I buy for Christmas for my brother who is terminally ill with cancer? Nothing seems right -- not music, books or any of the things he has always enjoyed. I'm at a loss. Any thoughts? -- SADDENED IN OREGON

DEAR SADDENED IN OREGON: I suppose short stories and plants that don't live long would make for good Christmas gifts, however, a good friend or relative should have the wherewithal to know that a Costco sized canister of Viagra, a mountain of cocaine, a half dozen asian hookers, and a live rock band that shakes the hospital off it's foundation would be far more welcomed. Trust me, as he gets weaker and weaker, and is shipped over to hospice to close things out, he'll not only remember this as his best Christmas ever, the permanent smile on his will say "man, if I knew the end would be this awesome I would have gotten cancer years ago!" Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com