Dear Mike Cares, what advice would you give this tricky husband?

DEAR MIKE CARES: My wife and I have not had sex for the last four years. I'm not a perfect husband. I have made my share of mistakes -- not always telling the truth, texting other women -- and she has her share of imperfections as well. She has hit me on more than one occasion. She has also pulled a gun on me and stole $1,400. And yet, I find myself putting all that aside and moving forward. I do love my wife, but right now I am at my breaking point. Do you have any advice? -- AT WITS' END IN TEXAS

DEAR AT WITS’ END IN TEXAS:  Sounds like you married a hooker, but why a hooker that works the very rundown trailer park you live in? Since you are not “a perfect husband,” you lie, and text (aka bang) other women, you are what most hookers refer to as a “bad trick,” and when a hooker gets a “bad trick”, hitting, gunplay and stealing is standard behavior. So, if you prefer a calm and understanding woman in your life find a nice librarian, she might not be able to suck a golf ball through a mile of garden hose like your filthy whore wife, but she can get you into a nice non-violent book club. Good Luck and Keep in Touch! Dear Mike Cares is also on X, Instagram and Facebook (whatever they are.) For more honest advice, email me your stupid questions at DearMikeCares@gmail.com