If you hear any of these at Thanksgiving your family is more dysfunctional than you think...

"The only dark meat P-Diddy will be getting this year will be from his cell mate."

"Now that bitcoin hit $95k I feel a little better about looting the last of grandma’s retirement fund."

"Fuck this restraining order I’m sitting at the kids table."

"I dosed father Flanagan’s eggnog with Viagra, how long until he asks the grandkids to play twister?"

"Fuck Elon, I’m buying a pickup truck, my tesla makes me feel like a transgender soccer mom sitting on a soy kielbasa."

"These mashed potatoes are lumpier than my sister in-laws fake tits."

"Can’t wait for Trump to start the deportations so we can start getting rid of the negroes already."

"I just took 5 gummies make sure I don’t say grace or mount the neighbor’s blind daughter."

"Who gave the autistic kid spray paint?"

"Let’s all raise a glass to Bill Cosby the best bartender of the 20th century."